Fighting For Your Dreams

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Wed, 21 Mar 2012 13:21:12 -0400

depressioncomix: depression comix #37 I get asked this alot...

Sun, 18 Mar 2012 20:52:36 -0400

depressioncomix:

depression comix #37

I get asked this alot and it really isn’t a choice. I love being happy I love smiling but sometimes I just can’t do it.

depressioncomix: depression comix #46

Sun, 18 Mar 2012 20:48:50 -0400

depressioncomix:

depression comix #46

depressioncomix: depression comix #49

Sun, 18 Mar 2012 20:44:14 -0400

depressioncomix:

depression comix #49

Joking

Sun, 18 Mar 2012 20:43:12 -0400

I always find myself joking about my problems at work or with friends. I act like not being able to control my moods is just some game because I don’t want people to see how upset it really makes me feel.

For me when I can’t control my moods it’s like I’m spinning, twisting painfully through some odd neverending void. I feel weak and pathetic. Out of control. For some thats something they just ignore but for me I hate myself for it. I hate being weak because I’m always the strong one. I’m the one who will let her friends cry on her shoulder when she wants to cry herslef.

I’ve always been that person. A good example would be my friend Lena’s death. Her family had an open cascket viewing and I cried for abit then went walking around talking to people hugging them and saying she was in a better place. I was trying everything in my power to let them cry and me not cry so much. That was the year my problems got worse but for that day I was the strongest person in that room. I was the comforter not the comforted. I was wiping away tears from peoples faces not shedding them.

Now I sit and watch a funny commercial and feel tears begging to be released. Mygeneral manager at work says I was doomed from the start and it’s true. Bi-polar is a genetic disorder. My mothers whole family suffers from it so it’s no surprise I would be diagnosed aswell.

I don’t hate my disorder. I hate the fact that I have become weaker. I hate that I can hardly pretend to be strong, that I hurt to smile because I’m forcing my lips to curl the way they should. I hate that I have become the weak one and I feel like I have no one to turn to because all the people I would turn to need to turn to me.

I wish that the joking made the pain go away forever but it doesn’t. What it does is temporary ease the feelings of pain and make a real smile show itself, even if only a moment.

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Thu, 15 Mar 2012 12:44:06 -0400

WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 02:51:49 -0400

I suppose it would be in kindergarten when I was in gymnastics. Don’t remember much specifics cept my mom asking me if I wanted to see my dad again.

Background

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 15:10:00 -0400

When I was little my mom was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder. For anyone who doesn’t know what it is here: “Bipolar disorder is a condition in which people go back and forth between periods of a very good or irritable mood anddepression. The “mood swings” between mania and depression can be very quick.”

In simpler words it is a mental disorder in which a person can go from being happy to depressed in a matter of seconds or depressed to angry. It is a disorder that causes many struggles.

When my mother was diagnosed she attempted to O.D. I’m still not sure to this day about whether it was on purpose or not. She was in the hospital for a few weeks and when she got out she was put on a bunch of medications. I always said I would never be like her, that I would never be put on all those medications.

When I was thirteen I was proven very wrong. Since my mother and most of her family were bi-polar she decided me and my brother would see counslers. I was diagnosed with it towards the end of my eighth grade year and after that my life changed.

I was put on medications to stabalize my moods. For awhile I was switching because they could not find one that helped me. Finally they found one and I’ve been on that since. Luckily I’m not on as many pills as my mom but I’ve still had to cope with the mood swings, the depressions, and the feelings of weakness.

I made it through highschool with a lot of help from my friends and family and even now I’m struggling through life.

A personal note because this is true. Even though I hurt and...

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 14:32:36 -0400

A personal note because this is true. Even though I hurt and don’t wanna feel anymore I’ve got to keep going through it all.

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Mon, 12 Mar 2012 14:25:47 -0400